As I am sitting here writing this blog post I keep having to convince myself to keep typing. I am not an amazing writer, but it’s something I feel like I need to talk about so here goes nothing. This is one of those topics that is really hard to talk about… At least for me. It’s something that instantly brings tears and self judgment.
Have you ever caught yourself saying…..Why can’t I just be thin!? Why am I such a failure as a mom, wife or domestic goddess? Why can’t I just look like all these famous Instagramers with millions of followers? Why can’t I just look like her? Why do I suck so bad?
I feel like now a days it is a rare and almost an extinct thing to find a woman that loves everything about themselves. Which when I really think about it breaks my heart. It scares me to death to raise my girls. The pressures to be perfect are real, and the pressure to look a certain way are very evident in the media world. I know these pressures all too well, which I am sure some of you do as well. Being a mom and having two babies I find my belly being softer then I remember or want to admit. I find myself crying in dressing rooms because nothing fits the way I hoped or even at all, swearing off shopping all together. Feeling like a complete failure as I look over and see my sink over flowing with dishes from the week before and piles of laundry as tall as I am.
Earlier this year I had hit my point… You know the point…. The one where you are so fed up you will do anything. Well I found myself being sick and tired of not being happy with my weight and my level of discipline. Finally realizing you can’t pray the chub away and having yo-yo dieted for as long as I can remember I decided I needed some professional help, so I hired a trainer. Over the next 3 months I lost 30 pounds! I thought I was fixed! I was feeling great, happier then I had been in SO long. All aspects of my life seemed so much easier and more put together. Then after my time with my amazing trainer was up I found myself struggling with maintenance and balancing my life, family, kids and making sure everyone was taken care of. So what did I do? I fell back into my old habits and gained all 30 pound back. Woo hoo what a winner right? Yeah definitely not!
I had a reiki session done and one thing she told me that hit me hard was she asked me if I knew the difference between self-esteem and self worth? I thought I did but asked her what she meant. She said self-esteem is something we gain from others. Our self-esteem can change with others perceptions and opinions of us. If someone says your fat or ugly or your a crappy mom obviously you may not feel to great about yourself making your self-esteem or self-confidence plummet. Our Self worth is something that never changes! It is something that no one can take away from us. No matter what anyone thinks or says about us our worth stays the same. We are still children of God and he loves us unconditionally. No matter our size, or how many imperfections we seem to find with ourselves.
Now I wish it was easier to just truly believe that. I wish we could completley tune out the world and just truly know that we are all amazing, beautiful daughters of God. Ignoring what the world has to say about moms and women in general is really hard when we live in the world we do.
Mindy Freeman wrote a talk and she says,” In the end, loving yourself is not about tooting your own horn or conforming to the world’s view of self-esteem. It’s about being who you are—a unique child of God—and knowing that who you are is a good thing. When you understand your eternal worth and you live in a way consistent with your divine heritage, you will gain a lasting self-esteem that is better than anything the world can offer.”
It is an interesting thing trying to find balance in this crazy world we live in, but I honestly believe that if we slow down and prioritize we may find ourselves doing better then we think we are.
I started this blog to prove to myself that I don’t have to be a size 2 to be happy with myself. Am I a model HHHHEEECCCKKKK NO! I found myself so anxious and nervous to be in front of the camera ha ha but I think there is power in putting yourself out there and trying something new. I am just trying to do my best, be happy and keep my head above water just like everyone else. I am a 5’4, busty human with the body shape of a frog but thats ok…. I’m going to take a deep breath and just keep telling myself that ha ha .